We deal with these type of issues differently so do I, my emotions are running back and forth since my mind has not yet fully grasped that my earthly dad is gone.... tears come and go.. memories are passing by...
Of course there are memories without fluff.. but in general most of my memories of him are filled with LOVE, that he expressed in the best way he could with his actions mostly and not through his words.
I realized I made similar agreement with the father of my "step daughters" when they had a rough time with him and he was absent for a period of time. I was there instead and this was a blessing for all of us.
By moving to Sweden I could go to school and hone my soccer skills without any major issues about the color of my skin and no secret police monitoring our every step, altough I also got my share bit of flak concerning the color of my skin.. I never had any main concerns about it couse I could always easily brush it off..
He took me in as his own kid and I was later blessed with two siblings which I don't know what I would have done without today. Dad transitioned so quickly due to his rough living, he always worked very hard and was the most honest human I've ever known but he had his issues from his childhood.
He used a self treatment that is very common during mainly weekends that caused his liver to function only partly with other illnessess following suite at a age of 65 when he should have been a fit retiree. We all make different choices and he made those he could cope with altough he knew deeply inside that this would not work in the long run.
Of course this effected our childhood and also the marriage eventually but still there was only LOVE in this human being. He helped us kids in so many ways than he did not through the years..
He was already gone when we arrived at the hospital but I had to see him.. and I was shocked cause I did not expect that scene where he was totally unrecognizable and totally absent spiritually. My mind struggled with seeing the shell in form of the body while knowing he was somewhere else completely.
My understanding of "death" makes it a bit smoother though I think since I know he is not gone but somewhere else where I can't see him atm. This does not take away the pain of the loss but still.
It feels like we are moving into another time completely with many levels and layers that will affect us siblings very personally. I also think dad has a huge part in this.. and eventually got the last saying. He had some rough cards dealt when coming here but he can now rest and be confident that he never will be forgotten by us.
His initials are P.E.A.K and I know exactly what I'm going to do with them.. <3
R.I.P dad hopefully I will be able to see you soon but still in my current vehicle.
P.s. One of many great dad memories is the song Jungleland below that he played in the car while driving an old Volvo Amazon going as fast as he could on Autobahn down on our way to our relatives in Germany! D.s.